I suck today
I have been trying SO hard, SO unbelievably hard. I’m eating good even when I want to stuff my face with crap. I’m getting up earlier when I want to stay in bed and be dead to the world. I’m even exercising every single day when I would rather sit at the computer and read really uplifting blogs about dead babies. *snort* I even printed out my Motivated Moms chore list to try to get the house in order. There is one little problem I’m having. I have these four children that I just can’t stand right now. I know I should be so grateful that I even HAVE children. I know some of my loss friends have no living children yet and I’m sure I sound like a monster.
Today, I snapped at them while out driving and grocery shopping. When we came home, they were all squabbling so I yelled at them and sent them to their rooms for their own good so I wouldn’t lash out at them.
Then… THEN I hear them fighting again and I look over at them and my 5 yo, Clara is holding our dog’s choke chain up to her 8yo brother’s neck.
“We don’t choke people!”I screamed at her. “What is wrong with you?” I was holding her arms too tight and I knew I was. All I could think of was Matthew, trapped inside of me, the cord strangling him. He choked. I could see the white outline of the cord around his neck in my mind. My baby choked and here Clara was trying to choke Nicholas.
I sent her upstairs and told her to just stay up there, that I couldn’t believe her behavior. She crumpled to the floor and sobbed. I knew that the remorse would wash over me later but at the time, I was just enraged.
I came back downstairs and the three boys just stared at me, wary. They looked on-guard, unsure of what I would do next. Christopher looked up and said, “You’re screaming at everyone today”.
How unfair this whole thing is! What a piece of shit I’ve been dealt! This anger is different too. In the beginning, I would feel furious that someone, somewhere took my baby. I hurled old fruit at the trees on our property and screamed for my baby. But I understood that anger. It made sense to me.
This new anger scares and confuses me. I will think that I’m feeling better; I may not even be conscious of Matthew thoughts and then bam, it knocks me over, leaving me and everyone around me rattled. I try to analyze it afterward. Was I angry at the thing I thought I was, or was it anger that was misidirected? Will every feeling I ever feel for the rest of my life always be about my dead baby in some way or another? Does it even matter? I just don’t know.
Now I’m sitting alone while they all sleep, bitterly thinking that Matthew is better off without me, a screaming banshee of a mother. Of course I know this isn’t really true. But it fills my head and so I mull it over long enough to punish myself.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
Emily said,
July 30, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Woman, I just want to hug you so hard right now. So this IS normal? Because I’ve been going through it, too. I only have one child, so it’s easier to make him go away. I’ve been there – the irrational screaming, the wanting your kid never to touch you, the rage that fills your mind. And I’m still in that constant computer usage stage. I was on antidepressants when we conceived Leila, and stopped taking them as soon as the test came back positive. Started again as soon as we delivered her. In the two weeks until they really took effect, that was me. And me again, since we went back off of them 3 weeks ago in hopes of conceiving again. Just a mess, thinking my family were better off without me.
Wish I had trees to throw fruit at…
Shannon said,
July 30, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I never had much of an angry stage.. well, I was pissed obviously, but more at people I didn’t know – people who did all the wrong things and got to bring babies home.. they were my favorites to be angry at… I’m sure things will settle down, time and maybe you just need some time away – is there someone around that can help out with the kids so you can just BE for a day or two? Hugs to you!
Chris said,
July 30, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I know how you feel. I can feel the anger coming out at the kids, sometimes too. I told my husband that *I* wouldn’t feel loved in this house right now if I were them. But at the time of rage it just seems that they are doing something wrong and why can’t they just do or act like they know they should. But the rage is awful. And we know, deep inside, where it is stemming from. I just tell myself this rage is part of the process. And the kids know this, too. One of my favorite movies is ya-ya sisterhood because I can *understand* why the mom freaked out on her kids…..and this was before I was even at that point in my life with kids that age. I am thankful that I am chemically balanced and can recognize my behavior and though I sometimes have a hard time controlling it, I still think I am sane….normal….whatever it is but that I am okay.
The fact that you wrote about this, that you risk everyone who reads blogs to call you a freak or a maniac….is therapeutic for you, I hope. And I want to tell you that you are not alone. I have 3 wonderfully awesome children and feel so lucky to have them but they make me so mad sometimes and rage from within comes out on them. Hang in there. You are a great mom. You can do this. Remember all this is about love–about how much you love your children. You wouldn’t be going through this if you didn’t love your children as much as you do and that makes you an awesome mom. Who knew that love would or could cause this much rage inside us. It’s weird.
Chris said,
July 30, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I hope that made sense. I just reread my comment and it’s not as clear as I was thinking in my mind. You love your kids so much it hurts. I know how you feel. You love all of them. And the fact that Matthew is not there to physicially receive that love causes your rage. It’s not fair. But your kids love you unconditionally–that’s what family is all about. And the fact that you love them as much as you do allows you to grieve in this way. They will love you. THey see you hurting and don’t understand how it translates into anger toward them, but they still love you. They just don’t like to see you hurt or sad. I just wanted to go check into a hotel to have a couple days to myself a couple weeks ago when I thought I was going crazy. Who knows, I may still do that. Just keep your communication open….talk to them, your husband. You will all get through this together. That’s the only way. I’m thinking about you….
Inanna said,
July 31, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I did this, too, and thought the same thing, that William was better off dead than with the horrible person and mother I was becoming after his death. Ah, the irony.
Get your rage out if you can. I went and pulled weeds – with a vengeance. Something physical… even a literal punching bag. It seems to help. The sadness gets buried under the anger and sometimes you just have to get the anger out first.
And sometimes it helps to replace the word… often the feeling will follow. Sadness is harder to feel and hold than anger. So if you replace “I’m angry,” out loud with, “I’m sad…” it can shift sometimes, both inwardly and outwardly.
Steph said,
August 1, 2009 at 2:52 am
no other words just sending you my love <3 and ((hugs))
Tina said,
August 6, 2009 at 7:21 am
Thank you for writing this. I feel like I am a horrible mother right now to my living children. I hardly spend anytime with them. I would rather be by myself, reading blogs, working on a project, etc. It’s not that I don’t want to be with them, it’s just that I don’t feel like being in their happy world right now. I should be busy taking care of 2 babies, but I’m not…it is so unfair.
xx,
Tina
P.S. Your sweet Matthew & I have the same birthdays xx