Today is a better day
I just couldn’t leave that ugly post up on the top. Today, we’re dropping Christopher off at my mom’s to go camping with my little sister with their youth group. Then this Saturday, dh and I are going canoeing on the lake while his grandma watches the kids. Oh, and tonight Clara goes back to her art bereavement class! So yes, I am doing things so that I can have some me time.
Thank you for your sweet comments. 
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
Lachlan's Mum said,
July 30, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Eck, we all have bad days. It’s OK to be angry and ugly sometimes. It’s just our emotions and hormones settling down. I’m having a bad day today, but you know what, it’s only temporary,and I’m OK with that. I also get the anger issues sometimes, which I’d never had before Lachlan died. I think it’s something that will just peter out as time goes on. Even though yesterday was a bad day for you, that’s completely understandable, and I’m so glad for you that today is better. I hope you have a beautiful time at the lake and that your daughter’s art class goes well.
I totally understand wanting to put a nicer post at the top of your blog. I’ve done that too. Sometimes it seems like all I write about is the bad, gloomy stuff, when in actual fact my life is rich with good, happy experiences as well. It’s kind of like I don’t want me or anyone else to think that my whole life is just a big angry crying mess. It’s only a mess some of the time.
I hope your weekend is beautiful and that you have a peaceful time canoeing with your husband.
Shannon said,
July 30, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Sara Clement said,
July 30, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Hugs to you….
None of us are perfect mothers all of the time…add some major stress and voila, you crumble. I understand how you felt. The choking was too much for you…and it’s understandable. truly. The other day, I was talking about names for our puppy with the kids, wanting them to have some say in it….I really like the names Ferdinand and Felix, which mean bringer of peace and happy/lucky. My children like the names Chewbacca, Quincy (after a charecter in Dracula), Otis (after milo and otis) and Fluffy (after the 3 headed dog in harry potter.)
At one point my 13 year old, ever the lawyer of the family, accused me of pretending that I wanted their opinions when what I was really going to do was name him whatever I want and pretend that they came up with it. My heart froze in my chest…I stood up…walked out of the room, and started sobbing. He was right on…and I hated myself for being that way with my kids, I have ALWAYS let them name our pets…like, it’s just an animal, right? But…not this time…not this animal….and I hated how I was acting like a cry baby because he was right. I cried even harder when they all came in and said they WANTED me to name him felix or ferdinand….I couldn’t stop sobbing. They patted my back and tried to sooth me…but it only made me feel like the worst mom ever because I was LOSING it.
Never the less….my kids still love me…I explained how hard it is for me to give up control right now. Because I feel so OUT of control. Even my 5 year old understood when I tried to explain how sorry I was…how badly I felt…how sad I am.
I don’t always like the way I fall apart, the way I snap…but…I think it’s o.k. to be human.
We’ve made it to this point…past the worst moment in life of losing our babies….we are here….and, mama…..it’s going to be o.k…even if it’s never the same. (((HUG)))
Steph said,
August 1, 2009 at 2:58 am
You are so strong mama! Even under the crumbled peices, that strength is there…I see it, all of us see it!