sucks
that’s all. it just sucks SO BAD! i don’t understand how i can feel so much better and then hurt so much all over again. i understand now what people mean when they say it doesn’t necessarily get better, it just changes and you learn to live with it. if constantly having tears just under the surface yet continuing to function is learning to live with it is then i suppose i am doing just that. i have gotten accustomed to the near constant mild headache, lump in my throat, heartachey feeling.
i just read the birth story of a mom who was due shortly after i was. she was using my same midwives so i have sort of followed her pregnancy even before i lost Matthew. her baby is just fine. she has the beautiful pictures to prove it. why does it upset me so much that MY midwives were with her. they rubbed her back, whispered reassuring things to her. they did that with ME too. but my baby is dead and gone and hers is warm and cuddled up to her breast, no doubt.
i am so JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to touch Matthew’s warm chest and feel his heart beating, watch his chest rise and fall, smell his milky-sweet breath in my face. WHY CAN’T I???????????? there are not enough exclamation points and capital letters to express this.
i think i’m going to have to sleep with his hats tonight.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
Emily said,
August 20, 2009 at 10:33 am
I’m sending you a giant hug, and I want to tell you how brave you are. Sometimes it’s impossible to hold it together, yet we have to, so we do. You are a strong woman! But I know how you feel, it’s be better to be weaker and still have our babies.
I went through something similar Sunday. One of the girls who was pregnant with me was at church with her newborn, and it was my first time seeing her. I cried the entire way through the church service after that, and asked God “why me?” over and over. I still don’t know the answer, but that doesn’t mean Leila’s death was pointless – it just mean the big picture has yet to be revealed.
I’ll be praying for you, sister. And loving you….
Shannon said,
August 20, 2009 at 1:38 pm
It’s just not fair.. I think that fact will remain forever.
Lachlan's Mum said,
August 20, 2009 at 6:09 pm
It does SUCK. It really does. I’m also insanely jealous. It feels like EVERYONE else gets their babies, even though I know I’m not the only one here. It just feel so, so unfair and I’m really jealous. I wish Matthew was with you, in your arms now.
Inanna said,
August 21, 2009 at 1:45 am
It sucks the biggest suckage there is, babe. Forever sucky. Sucks-a-lot. Suckamania. Suckapalooza. Uber-suck. Shall I go on? Oh I could. The amount of sucky this is doesn’t measure on any scale. I know. I know. I hate it too. I want to beat up the world for you and me and every other baby loss mama who has to travel this beyond-sucky road. I want to be on THAT road, the other one over there where the baby is alive. The UN-sucky road. Why did someone get that fork and I get this one? How did you and I end up on this road? We sure didn’t choose it… and it does SUCK.
Lachlan's Mum said,
August 29, 2009 at 1:17 am
Hey Christie, I’ve passed on an Honest Scrap Award to you. Your writing is always so honest and touching. You can check it out on my blog.
caitsmom said,
August 29, 2009 at 1:59 pm
(((hugs))) It’s sadly true–it doesn’t get better, rather we get stronger. I’m so sorry Matthew died. I wish it were different.