Veganinthecountry’s Weblog

because i don’t know what last night was! my midwife invited me and a few other moms to her house for some maternity photography practice. i have not taken any pictures since Matthew died so this was a big opportunity in more than one way. there were 5 of us, 2 of which were our pregnant models. one of the moms, M, i had gotten a chance to chat with beforehand through emails. she was very, very sweet and knew all about Matthew through our midwife so i felt safe in meeting her. the other pregnant mom, S, was a first-time mom pregnant with twins and i don’t think she knew my story.

when we were chatting as a group about poses, ideas, i started to feel like i was going to scream and run away. the room we were in was the midwives’ office; the same room i was in for all my prenatal apointments. the table that i was lying on when we found out Matthew’s heartbeat was gone was pushed up against the wall. the pretty dangly thingie was still hanging in the window. i remembered staring at it while they searched and searched for his heartbeat.  my eyes started to fill and i couldn’t hear what everyone was saying for just a few seconds. i managed to shake it off and hang in there though.

at one point we were shooting outside and the pregnant with twins mom asked me if i had my homebirth with K.  i was just dumbfounded. what was i going to say? “no, i had a hospital birth with them and my baby died. good luck with your birth!”  i felt so torn. i didn’t want to deny Matthew but i realized quickly that maybe i didn’t have to tell everyone and what purpose would it serve to tell her this? i felt no resentment; i didn’t have anything to prove. so i said, “uuuuum, no” and finally managed to get out, “i had my homebirths with a different midwife”. 

i can’t even describe how surreal the afternoon was. two beautiful pregnant bellies, smiles, laughter, anticipation, loving glances between partners. it was all too much and at the same time not enough. it was so nice to not feel resentful toward them though. i stared too long at their bellies and felt wistful and sad, yes. but they had THEIR babies, they didn’t have MY baby. it was nice to have that clear in my mind.

after several hours of shooting, i came home to my grandmother-in-law, who spent a few days with us so i could get some stuff done. this is the same gmil that was upset that we were having ANOTHER baby, was disappointed that it was ANOTHER boy and asked if my midwives could tie my tubes after the homebirth. whatever.   i sat at the table with her after the kids were in bed and we talked about my day and how the kids were while i was gone. she asked me if it was popular to have babies in spas now, like i did with the last three living children. i didn’t know what was coming so i just told her that yes, it did seem that more and more women were doing it.

then she says, (and this is the comment that STILL infuriates me when i think about it) “it’s a good thing brennen was there to deliver clara since your midwife didn’t make it in time”. now, this might look like a fairly innocuous statement to you… but as soon as she said it, i set my fork down and just glared at her. i felt this FURY bubble up inside of me. how DARE she practically will Matthew into dying and probably feel happy that he’s gone and then try to take away MY birth and hand it over to a MAN! my dh is a great man but I BIRTH MY OWN BABIES, dead or alive! no one will take that away from me!

me:  he didn’t deliver her. *I* delivered her.

gmil: well,  wasn’t he the  one to catch her?

me: NO, *I* caught her myself.

gmil: well, i thought he was the first one to hold her since your midwife wasn’t there.

me: NO, i held her while we waited for the midwife. i did it all!

gmil: oh, huh.

me: he doesn’t get the credit. I get all the credit for this one! he was standing a few feet away from me, just watching. I DID IT!

i went to bed and cried for hours, soaking my pillow like i haven’t done for weeks. once again, i feel like the grief in the beginning was so much easier to decipher. it’s very unnerving to spend the day feeling sort of “ok” and then just completely fall apart at night. gah, i’m just exhausted and spent today.