Wish you were here
I suddenly feel the need to locate all of Matthew’s things and find his pictures so I can remember just how he looked. Some days, I am ok with his memory being a little fuzzy. Today is not one of those days. I got out his pictures and realized I had forgotten that his hair was so wavy and that his eyelashes weren’t brown but golden. How could I forget that? When I look closely at his pictures, I can smell him again. I can remember just how cold but comforting his skin was under my hand.
My Clara has been breaking my heart lately. Lying in the bed the other night, she said to me, “Mommy, when I grow up, I’m going to buy the house right next door to you and break down the fence so we can be together. Then when I have my baby in the spa, I’ll name him Matthew and give him to you so you can have him again.” I can usually handle my own pain but seeing her pain is just almost too much to bear. ALL of my kids are grieving in their own way but her grief is just unavoidable. She was so innocent before. I hate that at 5 years old, she has lost her innocence. I was going through pictures from before Matthew died and found this one, just the day before we found out that Matthew had died. It speaks volumes to me. Looking very much like a little girl at play but also walking into the dark unknown.
And finally, this is the most recent song that has driven me to tears.
Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
Inanna said,
September 3, 2009 at 3:51 pm
The strangest song has me crying lately. “Always Be My Baby.” Originally by Mariah Carey, I listen to the David Cook American Idol version… makes me cry every single time!
Matthew was so beautiful, what a sweet little man. Mama. I’m so sorry. Loving them is easy… missing them is so very hard
Sara Clement said,
September 3, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I have the same feelings about my little Bear. He will be six next week…he should have been a big brother right now. He didn’t want to be at first…but then…he changed his mind and was SO excited. Soooo excited. He was happy with the way it was, but it changed, and he adapted. But now….he has a hole inside. He’s a big brother to dead twin brothers. It’s changed him. He looks older to me.
It’s not fair that our children had to loose the little brothers they wanted so much…
Not fair that your William is gone.
He was so beautiful.
((HUG))
Lachlan's Mum said,
September 3, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Your daughter is so dear, what a sweet thing to say. Matthew is so precious in that photo. I see the little footprint blanket that you were talking about. I wish he was there with you now.
Christy said,
September 3, 2009 at 7:32 pm
oh Christie, how i wish they were here too. so many songs now take on a new meaning, with Leila always on my mind.
reading the words that your daughter said to you brought tears to my eyes. i hate that she lost her innocence so young. everything about losing our babies is so unfair, every part of it.
Chris said,
September 6, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I feel the same about my 7 & 9 year-olds. Even my 4-year-old is scared. He doesn’t want to “grow up” because we have always told him that when people get old (really old), they eventually die and go to heaven. And he knows that Chase went to heaven and is not coming back so he knows he does not want to go to heaven.
It is sad that Clara feels that way, but it is also heart warming how much she cares for you and pretty much she would do anything for you….just as you would for her. You must have an amazing family.
xxoo