torture or therapy
because i don’t know what last night was! my midwife invited me and a few other moms to her house for some maternity photography practice. i have not taken any pictures since Matthew died so this was a big opportunity in more than one way. there were 5 of us, 2 of which were our pregnant models. one of the moms, M, i had gotten a chance to chat with beforehand through emails. she was very, very sweet and knew all about Matthew through our midwife so i felt safe in meeting her. the other pregnant mom, S, was a first-time mom pregnant with twins and i don’t think she knew my story.
when we were chatting as a group about poses, ideas, i started to feel like i was going to scream and run away. the room we were in was the midwives’ office; the same room i was in for all my prenatal apointments. the table that i was lying on when we found out Matthew’s heartbeat was gone was pushed up against the wall. the pretty dangly thingie was still hanging in the window. i remembered staring at it while they searched and searched for his heartbeat. my eyes started to fill and i couldn’t hear what everyone was saying for just a few seconds. i managed to shake it off and hang in there though.
at one point we were shooting outside and the pregnant with twins mom asked me if i had my homebirth with K. i was just dumbfounded. what was i going to say? “no, i had a hospital birth with them and my baby died. good luck with your birth!” i felt so torn. i didn’t want to deny Matthew but i realized quickly that maybe i didn’t have to tell everyone and what purpose would it serve to tell her this? i felt no resentment; i didn’t have anything to prove. so i said, “uuuuum, no” and finally managed to get out, “i had my homebirths with a different midwife”.
i can’t even describe how surreal the afternoon was. two beautiful pregnant bellies, smiles, laughter, anticipation, loving glances between partners. it was all too much and at the same time not enough. it was so nice to not feel resentful toward them though. i stared too long at their bellies and felt wistful and sad, yes. but they had THEIR babies, they didn’t have MY baby. it was nice to have that clear in my mind.
after several hours of shooting, i came home to my grandmother-in-law, who spent a few days with us so i could get some stuff done. this is the same gmil that was upset that we were having ANOTHER baby, was disappointed that it was ANOTHER boy and asked if my midwives could tie my tubes after the homebirth. whatever. i sat at the table with her after the kids were in bed and we talked about my day and how the kids were while i was gone. she asked me if it was popular to have babies in spas now, like i did with the last three living children. i didn’t know what was coming so i just told her that yes, it did seem that more and more women were doing it.
then she says, (and this is the comment that STILL infuriates me when i think about it) “it’s a good thing brennen was there to deliver clara since your midwife didn’t make it in time”. now, this might look like a fairly innocuous statement to you… but as soon as she said it, i set my fork down and just glared at her. i felt this FURY bubble up inside of me. how DARE she practically will Matthew into dying and probably feel happy that he’s gone and then try to take away MY birth and hand it over to a MAN! my dh is a great man but I BIRTH MY OWN BABIES, dead or alive! no one will take that away from me!
me: he didn’t deliver her. *I* delivered her.
gmil: well, wasn’t he the one to catch her?
me: NO, *I* caught her myself.
gmil: well, i thought he was the first one to hold her since your midwife wasn’t there.
me: NO, i held her while we waited for the midwife. i did it all!
gmil: oh, huh.
me: he doesn’t get the credit. I get all the credit for this one! he was standing a few feet away from me, just watching. I DID IT!
i went to bed and cried for hours, soaking my pillow like i haven’t done for weeks. once again, i feel like the grief in the beginning was so much easier to decipher. it’s very unnerving to spend the day feeling sort of “ok” and then just completely fall apart at night. gah, i’m just exhausted and spent today.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
Lachlan's Mum said,
September 20, 2009 at 9:31 pm
That was very strong of you to photograph the pregnant women, in the same place where you had your prenatals for Matthew. I’m glad for you that you were able to separate their babies from your baby. I think that’s a really big step. One of my friends from high school just had her second baby, and at first I was so upset and jealous I couldn’t look at the photos. I went and had a look recently, and saw how completely different her baby girl was to my Lachlan, and I didn’t feel jealous in quite the same way anymore. I didn’t want HER baby, just mine. It didn’t used to be like that.
I didn’t know that you had an unassisted birth with Clara – WOW! That is truly amazing. You deserve all the credit no matter who caught the baby, and the fact that you caught her yourself is just beautiful.
Chris said,
September 20, 2009 at 11:13 pm
You are very strong for photographing the pregnant ladies. And in that room. I don’t know that I could do it. And I’m sorry your gmil isn’t more compassionate. Or maybe she just doesn’t know what to say and that sometimes nothing is better than something. xxxooo
Christy
Sara Clement said,
September 20, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Christy…You are a brave strong woman. I HEAR you about the GIL issue. What a horrible drag for you. I’m so sorry…
I think it’s really hard to be around pregnancy…birth…babies (My own mother in law tactlessly asked me why I didn’t start teaching childbirth classes again, and was completely clueless when i said “I just can’t do that…I can’t.” She was all like…”why not?” DUHHHHHH! ….but I too am moving from the place of resenting others “luck”…I WANT them to be happy..to have their babies. I just wish mine were here too. Even so, I can truthfully say that if all of this has to be the way it is, I am ever so glad to have met YOU and all the other wonderful women-sisters I’ve met in the past 5 months. I never had a sister…always wanted one…and now…with such deep connections being forged out of such raw grief…I have them. ((HUG)) You are beautiful, warm and strong–and I love you.
Emily said,
September 21, 2009 at 12:08 am
Wow. I stand in awe of you, sister. I couldn’t do that. Photograph pregnant women. I’m amazed.
And I’m so glad you got the chance to put GMIL in her place.
Loving you. Praying for healing…..
Holly said,
September 21, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Wow, that’s alot of difficult things to face in one day; Your midwife’s office, pregnant women who are so blissfully unaware of all the bad things that can happen during pregnancy, and your gmil. Good for you for standing up for yourself. I very much resent people who try to downplay a situation and take credit from someone who deserves it. I’m glad you put her in her place!
Yes, night can be my own worst enemy too, even if I can hold myself together all day. ((lots of hugs coming your way……))
Christy said,
September 27, 2009 at 12:13 pm
grrr, i’m pretty angry with your GIL myself! you know, i don’t know at what point people started using the term deliver to mean assisting a woman giving birth. it really doesn’t even make sense and i think it’s very anti-feminist. only a woman can deliver her own baby; you cannot deliver from the receiving end! i don’t even think it’s right to say that midwives deliver babies. mothers do, and YOU delivered all of your babies, dear Christi, regardless of whether your husband, midwife or you caught them. and to insinuate that Matthew died because you didn’t have “proper help” is infuriating! (my own grandmother actually gave birth to her third child with only the help of her mother, who was actually taking care of the other two kids, because her midwife didn’t get there in time-the midwife actually got called by the neighbors when they heard my grandmother in labor!) i think it’s wonderful that you caught Clara. i had planned on catching Leila too…. but i obviously didn’t get the perfect homebirth that i’d planned.
and about the maternity photography, i am so amazed with you! i haven’t picked up my camera once since Leila died, let alone photograph pregnant women, and in the midwifes office, no less. i wish i were as brave as you. okay, sorry for rambling on and on!
XO,
christy
Jill said,
September 27, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Wowee – to go to a pregnancy photography shoot. I’m not surprised that you needed the emotional release at bedtime. I hope that when the edges of the day have softened that you can feel hugely proud of what you accomplished.
… and I’m sorry that GIL was there making it even harder.
Steph (shineliketheson) said,
October 2, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I wish people who didn’t know how to have or share empathy with others would just not say anything at all. Or maybe that would be worse, I don’t know. I just don’t understand the lack of compassion and empathy to a mom who’s lost their child even if that is their general personality. Espeically other mothers who know that mother/child bond.
Women get ALL the credit for birthing…ALL THE CREDIT!
I hope you were glad you did the photo shoot, how amazingly brave of you. Sending you hugs through cyber space ((((Christy)))