glow in the woods
i remember so vividly the night i stumbled across glow in the woods. i don’t remember how far along i was but i know my belly was big and heavy. i had been browsing my favorite photography blogs and read a tragic post about a mother whose baby had died. i clicked on a link to glow in the woods and read the ‘what is this place?’ description. i remember my mouth gaping open and reading incredulously. YUCK! especially this part, “One of us, only half-joking, said this will be a place where us medusas can take off our hats, none minding the sight of all the snakes. Because not only can we bear the sight of each other—we crave it.” i felt repulsed reading about dead babies while my own moved inside of me. surely this was some serious BAD luck to be reading this crap. i left the site and went back to my safe blogs, shaking my head to clear it. but you know, i also remember this horrible sense of foreboding. that’s what was so scary and stomach-turning. and now, i see the link on several of my favorite blogs and every time it feels like i’ve been slapped in the face. that is one website that i still can’t make myself read.
tonight is just sad. before the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day started creeping up, i’d been doing much better. of course i don’t post on the days that i feel good. i like to keep the negative theme of my blog going strong. seeing so many of my friends post loss related updates on Facebook has me feeling really depressed. like we’re all coming together for this huge, horrible cause.
i guess i’ve stayed up late enough playing depressing music on youtube and crying. i just miss Matthew. i don’t have anything fancy to say about grief or missing him. i just wish he was here so i could smell him again.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
ines said,
October 15, 2009 at 9:49 am
oh god, I remember while i was pregnant i would watch birthing videos on natural childbirth/hypnobirthing on u.tu.be and I too came across a video which was about a child dying and I ran a hundred miles in the opposite direction being scared and saying no, no, no.
I’ve spent hours trying to find that video after Fionn died, but never found it again.
I keep reminding myself how incapable I was to deal with death then, and it is one of the things I have to remind myself of when I am disappointed by other peoples behavior towards me now.
I miss Fionn. And I’m depressed. But I want to be optimistic again and shed this sadness, so I have the urge to run yet again… but I know it won’t help, death is faster than me. And I better face it all and live and start laughing all by myslef, and hold my new friends and I won’t run. Instead I will light my candle, for Matthew, for Fionn and for all the other children. And most of all for us, the mums who had their children taken away.
xx Ines
ines said,
October 15, 2009 at 9:51 am
PS you take beautiful pictures
Emily said,
October 15, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Loving you! And sending you a hug. Nothing compared to holding our babies, but it’s really all we got.
Steph (shineliketheson) said,
October 15, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I do not know your pain, but I’ve come to love you through your writings and to miss your Matthew through those words. Remembering your Matthew today and acknowledging the horribleness that a day like this has to exist and acknowledging the massive pain you feel in that remembering. <3
Chris said,
October 15, 2009 at 7:39 pm
It is a rotten day and I am “celebrating six months of hell” along with you. Hope you are doing okay.
xxxooo
Christy
Lachlan's Mum said,
October 15, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I wish Matthew was still here with you too. I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, but it’s OK to let the tears flow. I hope you find some peace in the coming days.
sara clement said,
October 16, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Dearest of Christy’s
You mentioned the feeling of foreboding….oh god can I ever relate! It’s such a horrible thing to look back and realize you KNEW somewhere inside what was coming. My own was a few days before we went to see my midwife for our 5 and a half month check up…I had noticed less movement…figured I had a peaceful baby…held my belly and prayed to feel something…and there it was…a soft kick. The last one I would ever feel. We listened for the heart beat….5 minutes…10……nothing. and i knew that the universe was just laughing at this horrible trick that had been played on me. “oh, your done having babies? well…let’s go ahead and fill you up with one! Oh…your happy about it now? well…what if its another BOY?! Oh…your HAPPY about that?? Well….let’s take him away!! Oh…and by the way….it was twins!! HA HA HA HA!!!!”
What a screwed up joke.
and somehow…it feels like I knew it was all along. Only I’m not laughing.
Loving you. Crying with you.
Emily said,
November 15, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Hey, lady. You’ve been very quiet – how are you doing? I’m thinking of you, and lifting you up. Loveu!