Just Breathe
Oh my gosh, the first time I heard this song, I was sitting alone in a parking lot, eating a quick dinner in my car. This was the night that I started bleeding at my mom’s house; and here I was buying the kids’ Christmas gifts in a daze, trying to pretend that I wasn’t worried at all, trying to not want this baby. This song came on and the lyrics just dumbfounded me. It seemed to have been written for Matthew and for this new little baby. I sobbed while I ate. I cried because I wanted this baby, and I cried because I wanted Matthew back. It’s a strange feeling to know that if Matthew had been born, I wouldn’t have this new little life growing inside of me. I start feeling guilty if I think about it too long.
Yes, I understand that every life must end
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go
Oh I’m a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they’ve got none
Stay with me…
Let’s just breathe…
Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win
Under everything, just another human being
I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world to make me believe
Stay with me…
You’re all I see…
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool, you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean…
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave…
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah…
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side
At about 12 1/2 weeks now, I feel my exhaustion and nausea starting to fade a little. Not enough to make me worry that this baby has died; just enough that I feel as if I’ve woken up after sleeping for 3 months. I think I must have been numb the last several weeks. I suddenly avoided Matthew’s pictures, didn’t want to say his name or hear anyone else say it. I almost felt like I didn’t care about him anymore. I was too ashamed to admit this on the loss boards and I certainly wasn’t going to write that here on my blog when everyone else seems to be grieving more appropriately.
Well, today I was vacuuming the living room, and when I bent over to pick something up under the couch, this dark wave of grief just hit me and I suddenly started crying, remembering Matthew’s scent and how soft he was. I just wanted him, just wanted to hold him once more. Actually, I started thinking that I wanted him instead of this new baby… and what am I supposed to do with a thought like that? So now, if this baby dies too, I will remember the day I wished it and then that will be my fault too. I’m just so sad. It’s just too unbearably sad. I can’t even believe that all of this actually happened to me.
Finally, I’m sorry for not posting on everyone else’s blog for a while now. This WordPress is really screwing up my posting lately. I keep getting these errors every time I try to write something. But be assured that I am reading still, and thinking of you all.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
