Just Breathe
Oh my gosh, the first time I heard this song, I was sitting alone in a parking lot, eating a quick dinner in my car. This was the night that I started bleeding at my mom’s house; and here I was buying the kids’ Christmas gifts in a daze, trying to pretend that I wasn’t worried at all, trying to not want this baby. This song came on and the lyrics just dumbfounded me. It seemed to have been written for Matthew and for this new little baby. I sobbed while I ate. I cried because I wanted this baby, and I cried because I wanted Matthew back. It’s a strange feeling to know that if Matthew had been born, I wouldn’t have this new little life growing inside of me. I start feeling guilty if I think about it too long.
Yes, I understand that every life must end
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go
Oh I’m a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they’ve got none
Stay with me…
Let’s just breathe…
Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win
Under everything, just another human being
I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world to make me believe
Stay with me…
You’re all I see…
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool, you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean…
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave…
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah…
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side
At about 12 1/2 weeks now, I feel my exhaustion and nausea starting to fade a little. Not enough to make me worry that this baby has died; just enough that I feel as if I’ve woken up after sleeping for 3 months. I think I must have been numb the last several weeks. I suddenly avoided Matthew’s pictures, didn’t want to say his name or hear anyone else say it. I almost felt like I didn’t care about him anymore. I was too ashamed to admit this on the loss boards and I certainly wasn’t going to write that here on my blog when everyone else seems to be grieving more appropriately.
Well, today I was vacuuming the living room, and when I bent over to pick something up under the couch, this dark wave of grief just hit me and I suddenly started crying, remembering Matthew’s scent and how soft he was. I just wanted him, just wanted to hold him once more. Actually, I started thinking that I wanted him instead of this new baby… and what am I supposed to do with a thought like that? So now, if this baby dies too, I will remember the day I wished it and then that will be my fault too. I’m just so sad. It’s just too unbearably sad. I can’t even believe that all of this actually happened to me.
Finally, I’m sorry for not posting on everyone else’s blog for a while now. This WordPress is really screwing up my posting lately. I keep getting these errors every time I try to write something. But be assured that I am reading still, and thinking of you all.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
Ines said,
January 12, 2010 at 10:25 am
no shame, no blame. Love, that’s what I’d like to send you and bravery and strength to walk the road you’re walking. For it’s not easy. Didn’t someone once singe “Nobody said, it would be easy?” You and I and many others here know this now. But please no shame, no blame. None of this is your fault. None.
Lots of love to you
xxx Ines
Shannon said,
January 12, 2010 at 4:22 pm
what a lovely song.. made me cry too.. and Delaney nursing in my arms ept giving me such sweet smiles – like she knew how I felt.
I think any of us unlucky women would love to have our babies back.. its a normal feeling. You know the new babe is different and such a special gift – there is nothing like a rainbow baby to fill your heart with love and hope! it doesnt take the hurt of losing dresden away though.. i think we will carry that forever.
Christy said,
January 12, 2010 at 5:30 pm
I have had the same feeling about getting pregnant…I want Chase really more than anything, not sure getting pregnant is what I want, just the next best thing I guess. Hang in there. You are a great mama and this baby already knows that. Sending you hugs…
Jill said,
January 12, 2010 at 9:46 pm
I recognised those feelings too. I was amazed at how “separate” I felt from both Emma and the new baby through the first trimester. I couldn’t manage my grief for one or summon up hope for the other. The pregnancy just seemed to sap me of all ability to feel anything other than irritability and exhaustion and nausea for a while. As for the conundrum that I think we all face when pregnant again – one existing only because the other died. It’s so, so hard. I’ve never reconciled it but I’ve sort of decided that I don’t need to. This is my reality – I can’t change it, I can only live with it and make the best of it. And the best is loving my rainbow baby with all the love I have for BOTH of them. I believe Emma lives on somewhere not here and that some day I will have the chance to pour out all my frustrated and thwarted love on her. Until then, I think that she’s okay with me finding new hope and joy in her little brother or sister.
Lachlan's Mum said,
January 13, 2010 at 4:26 am
Sometimes I don’t feel like letting myself ‘go there’ or look at Lachlan’s photos either. It just hurts so, so much. It doesn’t mean you don’t love Matthew if you need a break from your grief sometimes. I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad. Sending you hugs and lots of strength.
sara clement said,
January 13, 2010 at 8:10 pm
Hey sweetheart…
I just wanted to share something with you. You know I had my first when I was 15, awfully awfully young. I kept him because I wanted to…it was my choice. But, it was also really hard. He’s a wonderful person, and I love him so much. I almost lost him to a terrible head injury two years ago…he almost died. He’s been a hard child, he’s bi-polar, and really really challenging at times. I’ve thought I’d pop a blood vessel more than once over his rude nasty ways at times. He’s always taken more than his share, is somewhat selfish and self centered, has REALLY taken a toll on me, my husband, and the rest of the children. He’s also a GREAT person with a lot of wonderful parts that we all adore. It’s been really hard. And yet…I love him so much I know my heart would break if anything else happened to him. I know I wouldn’t be who I am without him. He changed my life…and made it real.
BUT…
when I lost Simon and Alexander last spring. . . I remember wondering in the midst of my tears and pain why it was that the universe would have a 15 year old girl carry a child to term…alone…penniless…a baby raising a baby, and then, would go on the rob that same girl, now a happily married woman, and proven great mama, of the twins she wanted so much. The twins that my entire family wanted so much. Why would the universe DO that? Why hadn’t it been my eldest, who has caused me so much grief in his life, instead. Who was the product of a first sexual encounter. A serious…accident. sigh.
Now…that is a thought that almost ripped me apart, because I KNEW I couldn’t and didn’t want to voice it to anyone…I’d be a TERRIBLE person to voice such a HORRIBLE thought. I couldn’t believe that I, a person that everyone thinks is such a loving wonderful mother, could THINK such an ugly thing. I couldn’t believe that I was able to think it. I couldn’t take it back. It was the most horrible thought I’d ever had about my eldest son.
And yet…there it was. It was a thought. I had it. I can’t take it back.
I was just writhing inside with the pain of having thought it. I finally told my husband, in gasps of tear filled sobs what I’d thought…what I kept thinking in spite of my desire to NOT think it. Instead of turning from me in disgust, he held me close and told me it was perfectly natural to think that way. The grass is always greener you know…we want what we can’t have. We want what was taken from us. Had I lost my eldest son in the same way…I would have been tormented by his loss too. If I ever did lose him…It would shatter me. My having a thought…a feeling of wishing there was a way to make those babies HERE instead of NOT here even if the thought was WHY didn’t it happen before…is normal.
It is normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t want this baby. You do. You also want Matthew. and wanting this baby doesn’t mean you are glad you lost Matthew. But…you don’t get to have Matthew, and so….you are left WANTING him.
Sweet Christy. We are women in pain. We try to move forward in the best way we can. We have thoughts and feelings. They are valid, and yet…not our fault.
If anything happens…and I pray sooooo deeply that all stays well….you need to remember that you are pregnant, and that you are also grieving. Your little bean knows all that. I really believe that. This little one is smart enough to know how much you want him/her….and wise enough to know that you still want Matthew. How could you feel anything else? This little rainbow is on it’s way….and the presence will shine brightly in your life…a healing balm of babyness.
It’s o.k. to feel the way you do. To have up’s and downs. To think things you are appalled that you think. These are really normal thoughts. We all know you’ll be the sweetest mama to this little one..and that your thoughts are a result of mind blowing loss and grief. It’s o.k. .
Your wonderful….and you are still healing….you always will be.
Wishing you were nearby to give a massage. You need loving touch.
((HUG))