no heartbeat
it seems i’ve been expecting this the entire pregnancy. “no cardiac activity”, “fetal demise”. her words were so formal and cold. i was praying all the way to the office, please, just don’t tell me you’re sorry. people have been telling me they’re sorry for so many months now, i just don’t want to hear sorry every again.
one of the shittiest things about this is i have no real support this time. i didn’t TELL anyone and now i have no one to call. i’m so lonely tonight. my kids never knew and now i have to fake it. i am trying to figure out how to have a miscarriage at home with them not finding out. i thought i was being so careful and practical this time but now i feel like i have painted myself into a corner. i REFUSE to make them deal with this kind of loss again.
and the pain, i’m so scared to feel the physical pain again. i briefly considered a d&c but that scares me too. i wish i wasn’t so scared of everything. i feel so trapped with no way out of this. i wish i could just wake up and have the baby gone. i prayed SO HARD to have an early miscarriage if i had to have one. but 14 weeks? WTF?
i realized tonight that i don’t think this baby felt one tiny bit of love from me, not one bit. i didn’t allow myself to love this baby. i can’t count the number of times i thought that i didn’t care, i wouldn’t let myself care. i even WISHED a miscarriage on myself when i realized what i got myself into. i even asked mymidwives if i could just flush the toilet if i were to pass anything. what kind of person does that?
and it was a GIRL. clara would have loved a sister so much.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
