no heartbeat
it seems i’ve been expecting this the entire pregnancy. “no cardiac activity”, “fetal demise”. her words were so formal and cold. i was praying all the way to the office, please, just don’t tell me you’re sorry. people have been telling me they’re sorry for so many months now, i just don’t want to hear sorry every again.
one of the shittiest things about this is i have no real support this time. i didn’t TELL anyone and now i have no one to call. i’m so lonely tonight. my kids never knew and now i have to fake it. i am trying to figure out how to have a miscarriage at home with them not finding out. i thought i was being so careful and practical this time but now i feel like i have painted myself into a corner. i REFUSE to make them deal with this kind of loss again.
and the pain, i’m so scared to feel the physical pain again. i briefly considered a d&c but that scares me too. i wish i wasn’t so scared of everything. i feel so trapped with no way out of this. i wish i could just wake up and have the baby gone. i prayed SO HARD to have an early miscarriage if i had to have one. but 14 weeks? WTF?
i realized tonight that i don’t think this baby felt one tiny bit of love from me, not one bit. i didn’t allow myself to love this baby. i can’t count the number of times i thought that i didn’t care, i wouldn’t let myself care. i even WISHED a miscarriage on myself when i realized what i got myself into. i even asked mymidwives if i could just flush the toilet if i were to pass anything. what kind of person does that?
and it was a GIRL. clara would have loved a sister so much.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
ines said,
February 3, 2010 at 9:02 am
I know
i care
I’m devastated with you.
I have no answers for any of the questions you ask, I just have a whole in my heart, another one.
I’m sorry. I AM.
I send you my unconditional love for all the what if’s and as much re-assurance as you need, for there is no blame. No blame, no guilt. just sadness and love.
I’m here, i wish I was there and hod you.
lots of love and a big big hug
Ines
bir said,
February 3, 2010 at 11:32 am
Tonight your post title jumped out at me. It probably will for many. Many possibly won’t comment, but you will be in the thoughts of many.
I heard those words two weeks ago. Mine is earlier though – baby died at 9 weeks. I’m still waiting to bleed. I’m scared too. I’m also too scared to have a D & C. I’m barely treading water and climbing the walls at the same time.
I’ve read back on the posts that I haven’t read before and your last posts – since you found out you were pregnant – reflect so much of how I have felt. I don’t know if my baby felt loved. I feel like I have almost developed more love for it now, but it is too late.
You’re not alone. But I know what you mean. If you wish to email me and rant and rave feel free (you will probably get something similar back so be warned!).
x
Beth said,
February 3, 2010 at 11:52 am
I have been reading a little while but not commenting.
I am so so sorry.
I’m thinking of you.
Emily said,
February 3, 2010 at 12:31 pm
This isn’t what you want to hear, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’ve been chosen to go through this again. I’m sorry that you’ve always felt a detachment to this baby (which was just your way of protecting your tender heart, and is totally okay). I’m sorry that this won’t be Clara’s earthly sister. This is just a sad, sad situation, and my heart is breaking for you and your family.
Wishing you were closer so I could wrap you in a hug and cry with you…. ((hugs))
Kim said,
February 3, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Oh, Christie, it’s so unfair that you have to go through this again. I’m so pissed off! You can call me if you want, or e-mail me and vent, or just know I am praying for you and loving you.
Lachlan's Mum said,
February 3, 2010 at 8:54 pm
I’m so sad for you. I’m just devastated for you. I wish there was some way I could take away some of your pain. ((Hugs)) I’m here for you in any way I can be.
Jill said,
February 3, 2010 at 10:07 pm
It’s horrible and I wish I could do something more than simply utter platitudes. But I am so very sorry and so very sad for you.
Shannon said,
February 4, 2010 at 4:59 am
Oh, Christie.. this just sucks! When I saw your post, my heart sank and my mind just said F^%$!!!! Life is so unfair. Please tell someone in real life, so you don’t have to go through this alone. I know you were afraid to love the baby, but you did love her and she knew that!
sara clement said,
February 4, 2010 at 4:10 pm
Oh honey….I’m sitting here crying because it’s so godawful unfair. When I saw your post title I gasped and cried out “OH NOOOOOO!” Because, sweet Christy….I can’t stand that you are going through this. Not again. Not again….
I think part of me told myself that you would be holding your little one soon…and that, in doing so….I’d be brave enough to try. Brave enough to follow. Strong enough to tell my husband it would BE…no matter what.
Sweet friend…you are so NOT alone. I’m here with so many others that really care. REALLY understand. You had a little girl…Clara’s sister. She was with you for 14 weeks, and even with all your numbness, and fear….you KNOW you love her. Your response of detachment was completely normal, and really….a protection. But…I’ve always felt that you were detached because you cared SO much. And, honey…she knew that.
You can email me at sara.clement1015@gmail.com….or if you send me your number, I’ll call you. I have unlimited long distance….so if you want to talk….I’m here. I’ll probably be crying with you….but….I’m here.
I love you. I’ve never met you in person….but I love you so much.
Please don’t go through this alone.
XXXXXXXXX
Manessa said,
February 4, 2010 at 6:16 pm
Sweet Christie-
I am so sorry that you are going through this again. I could say that a million times and it still wouldn’t be enough. I hope that you are able to find comfort in that fact that your baby did know she was loved. You cared enough to protect yourself the best way that you knew how. I wish that I could be there with you to give you a hug. You are not alone. There are so many of us that have been on this journey with you , and will continue to do so. Please be kind to yourself. Take care,and let me know if you want to talk.
((((hug))))
~Manessa
shineliketheson said,
February 4, 2010 at 10:20 pm
Oh Christie. I’ve no doubt you loved your little girl, even if you can’t allow yourself to feel that now. You are not going this alone, God is there, even if your angry at Him right now, He is there and He does care. You know how to message me through FB, I’d be happy to call or email as Sara offered too! My heart breaks for you. You are LOVED Christie. You are so LOVED and so is your precious little girl in Heaven with her brother. So unfair, I don’t understand it, but I pray for you and your husband. I love you Christie.
ines said,
February 4, 2010 at 10:25 pm
hey, how are you doing now? Think of you, hoping for you, to not drown in all what you’re going through.
lots of love
xxx Ines
Christy said,
February 8, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Sweet Christie, i am crying too. i am just so devastated for you. i am so sorry that you have to endure another loss, this simply isn’t fair at all. not at all. i can’t imagine how hard this journey has been for you. i wish there was something that i could do to make it all better…. please know that i am here if you need me and i am thinking about you and your family.
sending lots of love and hugs,
christy
Beth said,
February 9, 2010 at 11:07 pm
I just wanted to let you know I’m still thinking of you.
bir said,
February 14, 2010 at 12:22 am
Christie,
I have a little something to email you but don’t can’t find an address – can you email me?
birni@cybergal.com
How are you going…? Thinking of you often x
Gabi said,
February 28, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Christie -
I just saw about your baby. I won’t say I’m sorry,because you say you don’t want to hear that. But I will be praying for you, and hoping for your comfort and peace. Please, be gentle with yourself.