Life has gone on, not surprisingly. I feel numb and empty these last few days. Like I. just. don’t. care. It’s almost pleasant; this hazy feeling. I can really look at these last 9 months and feel… nothing.
Except at night. After Matthew died, bedtime was my refuge. I slept solid all night, barely dreaming. These days, I lie in bed for hours, tossing and turning, replaying things in my mind. I cry big, openmouthed sobs into my pillow.
I feel like I’m losing my real-life friends too. After skipping a planned for homeschooling event, not returning emails and phone calls, I decided to just tell my few closest friends what had happened. I really downplayed it too, just not wanting to get into it, to make them feel like I was soliciting their sympathy. And now I feel so far from them. I feel like too much has happened that they will never understand… and I don’t have the desire to try to make them understand.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
