Life has gone on, not surprisingly. I feel numb and empty these last few days. Like I. just. don’t. care. It’s almost pleasant; this hazy feeling. I can really look at these last 9 months and feel… nothing.
Except at night. After Matthew died, bedtime was my refuge. I slept solid all night, barely dreaming. These days, I lie in bed for hours, tossing and turning, replaying things in my mind. I cry big, openmouthed sobs into my pillow.
I feel like I’m losing my real-life friends too. After skipping a planned for homeschooling event, not returning emails and phone calls, I decided to just tell my few closest friends what had happened. I really downplayed it too, just not wanting to get into it, to make them feel like I was soliciting their sympathy. And now I feel so far from them. I feel like too much has happened that they will never understand… and I don’t have the desire to try to make them understand.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
Emily said,
February 20, 2010 at 12:46 pm
It’s funny that this seems to be a recurring theme in the babyloss blog community lately. The way I see it is that people who haven’t “been there” don’t know how to approach us after a loss. After what you’ve been through, wow, it’s hard for me to know how to reach out to you. It brings tears, reading about your restless nights.
But here’s the thing. When you’re ready, your real-life friends will be back. Either that, or you’ll make new friends – the world is full of incognito babyloss mamas.
And, until then (and long after), you have me.
Lachlan's Mum said,
February 21, 2010 at 12:48 am
Right after losing Lachlan, I just couldn’t be around any of my friends. It was too hard. Over time, I slowly started seeing them again. Perhaps you’ll be able to find this sort of healing in your own time too. There’s no rush.
I’m sorry you’re back at that place of so much pain and sorrow. ((Hugs))
sara clement said,
February 21, 2010 at 1:34 am
Yesterday, my husband expressed that he missed our friends. The friends we used to have over…laugh with…share with. He said he felt like life had stopped around us, and that he didn’t want life to stop. He asked if we could have D & M over soon. I looked at him…and reminded him that D&M had been pregnant at the same time as we were…that they’d had the same midwife…and the same due date. Only….they also had their little baby. And we don’t. I haven’t heard from them in the past 10 months. They know we lost our twins, but…I never heard from them. I don’t know how to reach out and have their family over. I don’t know how to watch M nurse her little one. I love this family…but they feel so far away from me.
I told my husband I was sorry….but….I just can’t. I offered him the space to hang out with D…elsewhere.
I understand feeling a LIFETIME away from old friends. I know some would want to be loving…and some would try to understand. But the truth is…they just DON’T understand…and many of them don’t know what to say….and many of them will just say the things that make me feel even farther away.
You’ve been through something heartbreaking and traumatic…and you are numb–rightfully so. You can’t just act like everything is just fine. You can’t act like nothing happened. You need time for this sweet friend. Just like you did with Matthew. And oh GOD…I totally know the open mouthed sobbing into the pillow thing! ((HUG))
You know I love you. I’m grateful to know there are women like you in the world. Strong, honest, kind women. REAL women. My sea turtle sister. Always.
XXXX,
Sara
bir said,
February 21, 2010 at 9:10 am
Yes.
Me too.
You’re not alone in what you are going through. I guess that makes it…. “normal”.
xxx