Some things
I decided to have a memory necklace made. I don’t know exactly how it will look because we’re still discussing ideas but the jewelry designer asked me for the footprints in an email so she could get started. I choked up and couldn’t respond to her for several days.
I got out my memory box from the hospital and set it next to the computer and that was as much as I could handle. Clara looked through it a few times and yesterday she sat at the table with his closed box in front of her her and said, “Mommy, I’m glad I didn’t die. Cause if I did, Matthew would be alive and you would all be looking at my box instead.” Gah, I can’t believe my CHILDREN are aware of things like this. It’s such a big, big part of their lives, especially Clara, or she just lets on more than the others.
I picked up my camera for the first time in a few months the other day. I even edited some pictures in PS. I also went back to my old photography message board that I used to love so much. I saw a post about NILMDTS and the photographer was asking whether she should edit out the dead baby’s bruising before giving the parents the pictures. I was INCENSED when I read one photographer’s response. She said something along the lines of, “Death is such a sad thing, especially involving a baby. The parents shouldn’t have to be reminded of that every time they look at the pictures”.
Are you freaking KIDDING me? What an idiot; what do people think, that you FORGET your baby is dead and only when you look at a picture do you remember? I guess I’m still really angry because this still pisses me off just thinking about it. Where do people get off, thinking they can make our decisions involving OUR babies?
I think editing pictures for parents who want the blemishes removed so they can have a pretty picture to share is wonderful; what makes me crazy is ANYONE thinking they know better than we do what will make us feel better.
Now this brings me back to an issue I thought I “got over”. The funeral director kept Matthew’s body at the funeral home (in some sort of freezer) for a few days until the service. Knowing his body was only 20 mins. away from me at home, I was so agitated about whether I should or shouldn’t go see him and hold him one more time. When I worked up the courage to call and ask to come, the funeral director warned me that Matthew had “changed a lot” and that it wasn’t a good idea to come in.
I BELIEVED him and waited until the morning of the service to go in one last time for a lock of hair. I prepared myself to hold him with the blanket covering his face so I wouldn’t have to see anything that would upset me.
Well, when I arrived and carefully took him in my arms and looked away, afraid to see, the funeral director casually said, “Oh, he still looks great. It’s fine to still look at him”. I was so relieved that I could still look at him and hold his hands that it didn’t hit me for a while. He had been trying to protect me, thinking he knew better than me whether I should hold and see my own baby.
Now, I KNOW this man wasn’t evil, he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He thought he was doing me a favor maybe? But where do people get off, thinking they can make such huge decisions? This was HUGE. I could have gone every day to see and hold Matthew if I chose. He TOOK that from me and I can’t get it back. How dare he!
Matthew’s footprints. I do wish this was an actual birth certificate.
Matthew's name in the sand on a beach in Australia
